i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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