I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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