at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
