I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize