you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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