The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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