I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
