I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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