Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
