I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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