I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
