i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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