She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
