She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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