your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
