Umm I'm too high to move.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
