My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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