What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize