I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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