my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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