I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
