I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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