just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize