i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
