I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
