your parents love me but you hate me
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
