even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
