I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
