I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
