Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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