i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
