Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
