I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
