She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
