Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I need to calm my uterus...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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