I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
