Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
