stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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