When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
