new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
