this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
