So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
