she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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