If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
