I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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