Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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