Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
