I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
