I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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