I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
