the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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