I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
