walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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