i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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