Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The uberlube is also flammable
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
