you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
