How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
