She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
