I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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