so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
