You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
