it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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