you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
