Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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