He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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