i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
