think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
from now on my penis is your penis
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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