we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
