Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
