I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
