The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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